Galasso

Galasso seems to believe that he is actually the despot of a ruthless, fascist organization. Sure, many would say managing a retail store isn't too different, but--

Well, okay. It's really the same thing.

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Ethan

A failed stand-up comedian, Ethan has settled for working retail. Amazingly, retail has not broken him yet. He still has that shimmer of hope for the future and his fellow man. Whether this is due to the strength of his resolve or just plain old ordinary denial depends on your personal level of cynicism.

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Amber

Amber is uneasy when dealing with people, so Cheese only knows why she runs the customer service desk. It probably has to do with how she feels more secure behind the counter, with a solid barrier between herself and real li-- er, customers. She has an Internet boyfriend.

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Robin

A hyperactive, sugar-infested crackpot, Robin has few boundaries and even less patience. She notices the worst things and asks the wrong questions. Robin knows she has a body, and she knows to use it, but she's still working on the how. She's got a thing for Ethan, but he may be gay.

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Mike

Mike is rumored to have ruined a five-year-old girl's birthday party by training a fleet of squirrels to publically mate with her mother (up the butt, probably) at the dinner table in front of her and her friends. This was not to make himself feel superior. This was not a power trip. Mike is just an asshole. Claim anything else, and you're reaching.

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Faz

Shortpacked!'s new recruit has an infuriatingly smug grin you'd love to remove with a grenade launcher. He's got some amoral ideas on how to succeed in the workplace, and it's even more infuriating that they seem to work.

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Rick

He loves ninjas with every part of his body. Especially his pee-pee.

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Ronnie

He's the fortieth President of the United States.

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Conquest

Galasso named his daughter after his favorite pastime. She prefers to go by "Conni." It's not known how Galasso managed to end up with a daughter, but somehow it happened anyway. All we're sure of or care about is that it was a legal number of years ago.

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