“I AM FATASS, DESTROYER OF NERDS!”
I think she’ll be in too much denial to ever accept that title.
“SHE IS FATASS, DESTROYER OF NERDS!” – it can be bestowed by…huh, Lucy’s nice, Ken’s nice…where’s Mike when we need him?
Robin could do it, she’s pretty much on the Malaya hate-train.
I’d love to ride a Malaya hate train. Every board on the track would be Malaya’s face.
I can feel the love.
I tend to assume a certain level of liking before I run a train on someone’s face, actually.
I was trying to work in a “run a train” joke but couldn’t come up with anything that would work. So good job you.
The convenience cart of the hate-train also serves cupcakes in the shape of her face. They’re just large enough that you need to bite them in half. Mm. Delicious.
A reference to her muffin-top, perhaps?
Meeee, too. I was worried other people liked her and I was the odd one out who wanted to run her over with Optimus.
He’s far too busy doing your mom for a nickel.
He’ll consider it later — depends on which option is more emotional (and possibly physical) damaging overall.
It’s chapters like this that make me hate the weekend, now I have to wait three days to see where this goes. Liking it so far though.
Don’t worry. Someone has just adjusted the size horizontally. Just adjust it vertically and you’ll fit again.
We control the horizontal and the vertical. You have entered… the Twilight Zone. (Or was that a line from the other prime-time horror show?)
If that line wasn’t from the Twilight Zone, then it’s definitely from the Outer Limits.
The line was from The Outer Limits. The Twilight Zone line is “You are about to enter another dimension, not of sight or sound but of mind…”
And yes I know more about this than I should!
Au contraire, mon copain, it is impossible to know too much about either, as both were some of the highest quality television in the history of other. Especially the Twilight Zone.
…The Twilight Zone.
Malaya’s Outer Limits are rapidly expanding…
no no! its Weird Al in UHF! “we control the horizontal! we control the vertical too! We`re gonna make a couch potato out of you..thats what we`re gonna do” ^_~
I like where this chapter is going!
Malaya’s nightmares are a lot less severe than Joyce’s.
You might be speaking a bit too soon.
Time to look at the preceding comics to see who was wearing those pants.
I’m pretty sure they’re her pants. I went back looking for the same thing, and then I got to the comic where Leslie asked her how old she was, and there was that “metabolism” slider in the panel.
Dunno if it’s a dream or not, though.
Yeah, I’m pretty bad at this sort of subtext until it’s really obvious. The only thing I can say in my defense is that unexpected hook-ups are REALLY common in these comics. “She slept with someone!” seems like a logical default interpretation.
Well, there’s definitely a muffintop happening there, but her pants have suddenly gotten shorter as well as tighter, so I’m going with “They’re Lucy’s.”
Looked back in the archives a few pages.
Lucy WAS wearing grey pants.
So Lucy got bus-ay last night and left her pants around. Malaya’s gonna be pretty pissed about that attention she’s getting – on her birthday!
Happy 23rd birthday, Malaya.
For all the hate Malaya’s ever gotten around here, I’ve always thought she was an interesting, realistic character. But not anymore. She’s just completely unbelievable here.
I mean, who the fuck puts on socks before they put on pants?
Someone apparently putting on clothes as they randomly find them on the floor.
Someone who hates having to slide the leg of their pants up to pull the socks all the way up, then pull them back down again. It’s easier to just pull on the socks, then put on the pants.
Weirdly enough, when I’m cold and in bed, my sleeping clothes are my boxers and some socks…
I put on my pants first and then spend 10 minutes slipping on the underwear. It’s arduous and unsatisfying but I’m too damn stubborn to try a more efficient technique.
Lol. I realized while reading this comment that I always put my socks on before my pants. At least, when I’m wearing my military uniform. Maybe it’s because when I was in boot camp we weren’t allowed to let our bare feet touch the floor.
people who don’t like like their toes getting caught in the fly
Um. I do. Socks are the first thing on* and the last thing off*
*: besides underwear
What, you don’t take your underwear off with your pants?
I sometimes sleep with my socks on.
SOMEONE WHO HAS OVERCOME THEIR FEAR OF THE REVERSE SOCK GAP, THAT’S WHO!
I do, it’s easier.
Socks are like lube for pants.
I put on socks while they’re clear of pant-interfence, then put on the pants.
YOU ARE WRONG LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY SOCKS
Someone who has neuropathy in their toes and feet, so that it hurts less to put pants on with socks protecting the precious stingy skin and preventing toenails from getting caught?
But Malaya has not the diabeetus.
And metabolism has forfeited the fight to weight gain.
Malaya just had a growth spurt. Just… in the wrong direction.
And that’s how everyone died!
Except Ninja Rick, since he’s good at hiding. Next week: Ninja Rick vs. Spiders!
He really WILL be the only one remaining by 2012!
Theory: Someone shrunk her clothes as a prank.
Theory: Someone grew her body as a prank. It was karma.
I am now visualizing somebody sitting over her while she sleeps, feeding her donuts. Sedatives were probably involved.
I can see Robin doing this, actually.
I can’t. I mean, she’d try, but by the time she got over there, she’d suddenly realize that all the donuts are gone. So she’d get some more, but they’d mysteriously vanish en route as well.
This is the woman who once cleared out multiple Tim Hortons in a single day. No donut can survive in her presence.
Those crazy nerds!
Oh those Dorks of Hazard.
Oh hell – I still hate her.
The last line is why I can’t fully bring myself to hate Malaya.
MURDER TIME FUN TIME!
Today, on Professor Genki’s Super Ethical Reality Climax!
It’s a great game to play when you bought the ‘immune to bullets’ ability.
she kind of looks like she was riding a horse for some odd reason…
with her faaaaaaace?
Oppa, weight-gain style!
guess she’ll have to start shopping at the Bitch and Tall shop.
Huh? Huh? amirght?
She’s almost got an hourglass figure… But she’s too small to pull it off right.
Please do, Malaya. I would love to see her face off against Robin.
Okay, assuming she isn’t dreaming, the only reason to gain that much weight literally over-night is some sort of serious health condition- according to my hasty research. Correct me if I’m wrong, of course!
Kind of scary though. Not weight gain specifically, just the idea of waking up in a body somehow significantly different than the one you went to sleep in. D :
Malaya suffers from a chronic condition known as being a cartoon character.
Did….she get shorter too? and her arms longer?
Who is the father?
How long ago was it, in-comic time, that she and Jason from Multiplex hooked up in a broom closet?
And maybe ‘someone’ is playing a practical joke on her?
And said it’s had your mum.
For a nickel.
Panel 1 is suffering from some serious Garfield foot, huh?
I think it’s supposed to be perspective. She’s walking forward from the door around the dresser, so her rear leg is further away than her front one.
Clearly she is in a funhouse. That also explains why she looks slightly squashed and stretched.
I like it, even if it’s high in calories.
Am I the only one shallow enough to appreciate that Malaya has gone from ‘irritating she bitch’ to ‘my favorite shape of a woman in clad in only a tank top, yum’? Because well…
Nope. I’m right there with you. Muffin tops = sexy as hell. Yes, I am shallow and lecherous.
I’m not sure if David knew what he was doing while drawing this strip. Given Malaya isn’t dreaming right now, he’ll never be able to draw a slim Malaya ever again. Unless she’s dreaming to be slim again, of course.
Instead he will draw just one more round figure.
… Well, perhaps this is autobiographical? Does he like these round figures way more than slim ones?
You’ve seen his Catwoman, right?
My theory: Malaya is turning into the new Amber. It’s like the Santa Clause; after the old Santa died, Tim Allen started to spontaneously gain weight to replace him. After Christmas he turned normal for another year.
Now that Amber has left Shortpacked!, it’s turning someone else into her. And just in time for Black Friday. After that happens, she will return to normal.
I love this explanation so much I will, no matter the future content, pretend that this is entirely correct.
At this moment, Malaya is the ONLY “round figure” in Shortpacked!.
Blast it, now I’m instinctively trying to find a counterexample. It’s the all-caps that triggered it, I’m sure of it.
Um, Ultracar’s a little portly around the passenger area…
No, those are Amber’s boobs. Buckets of Blood guy, if he hasn’t offed himself in some sexy tribute to He-Man fanfic.
Well, that obviously needs to change.
The story you are about to hear/see is true. Only the names have been changed, to protect the innocent.
“Malaya” went on to murder 6 innocent children playing with their Transformers. She was taken into custody on the charge of multiple homocide, and thrown about the system due to her sheer lack of redeeming qualities making her hard for any guard to put up with until she wound up on trial in the state of Texas. She was sentenced to lethal injection.
Clearly those are someone else’s pants. Not only are they too small but they’re way too short too. The real question here is who banged Lucy.
Yeah, I know what that feels like. Almost overnight my metabolism was like “…Alright. I’ve been doing the lion’s share of the work your whole life. It’s time you helped me out. I can’t…I can’t do this alone anymore. Not with all the junk you eat. I’m backin’ off now, so start figuring out what food isn’t totally garbage or this will keep happening.”
Me: “Wait…I ALWAYS set my belt at the third hole. Why is it constricting me now? No…no metabolism come on man I’M SORRY NO DON’T LEAVE MEEE!”
I had pretty much the same story. It seems like no matter how much I fight for it now I can’t get back to the body I took for granted and abused when I was younger.
I’m too tall and too thin. I’m one inch away from having to order custom jeans online, because they don’t make anything long enough without a gargantuan waist.
I actually wouldn’t mind putting on a few pounds, because it would make it easier to shop for pants.
Sleeping with lucy seems like a logical conclusion here… And while Lucy’s shirt was a similar color, it was long-sleeved, not short.
You are assuming that she’s putting on the same clothes that she wore yesterday. I would highly doubt that.
Am I the only one who finds it weird (not to mention insulting) to equate “getting fat” with “losing hotness”…?
I was thinking of it as more like MALAYA equates getting fat with losing hotness. I don’t think extra weight would really phase many of the characters in the Shortpacked! world, but she’s really shallow–to the rest of them, this would be normal, to her, this would be the end of the world.
No, but you may be the only one to find it weird that Malaya has an insulting attitude.
No, I don’t find that weird at all. But it seems like the only “joke” from the writing/reading standpoint is that fat=less hot. Several commenters are certainly saying as much. Not sure if this is intentional on Willis’ part, or unconscious, or if he’s playing with/subverting that. I’m reserving judgment. But the way the punchline was set up a few days ago with the Metabolism slider, it sure looks like the concept is “you’re relying on hotness to compensate for your personality, but your changing metabolism will make your hotness go away, so watch out!”
And it’s not just Malaya’s attitude; Leslie seems to be implying that as well.
Another way of looking at it is Malaya’s metabolism was what she was relying on for her hotness, which gave her a good figure she’s never had to work out or anything to maintain it before.
This whole thing with gaining muffintops overnight is just an example of her bad karma catching up with her. Refusal to care about anything includes refusal to care about her desired figure enough to lift any other finger besides the middle when it’ll no longer maintain itself.
Voila! Her high school jeans no longer fit.
Since Goodwill’s obviously not an option (it’s Malaya, after all) maybe she can feed them to Fuckface, assuming she even bothered to take care of the poor lizard…
I thought I saw a joke about enacting murder fantasies in there somewhere…
Murder fantasies? C’mon! Lucid dreaming is for flying and/or sexytimes.
C’mon yourself – none of those are mutually exclusive you know.
Damn, and here I was thinkin that Derren Brown was going to take Malaya away to a deserted Army Base where she wakes up to find herself in a zombie apocalypse and ends up learning compassion, bravery and leadership…
(Derren Brown’s Apocolypse, btw, if you haven’t seen it)
She was definitely skinnier 3 strips ago.
So, she got a little plumper because she turned 23, though overnight for no coherent reason, and that’s supposed to prove what, exactly? The comic that set this up was “I’m hotter than Lucy but the boys like her instead of me because she’s a dirty stupid nerd”, and the result of this presumably is “The boys like Lucy instead of me because she is a dirty stupid nerd and also because she’s now hotter than me.” So, she’s just going to be more bitter and hateful now, if that’s even possible.
When I said I wanted to see character growth from Malaya but wasn’t holding my breath for it, this isn’t what I meant.
Maybe she’ll get so bitter she’ll have a heart attack.
We can always hope…
People might hit on her more if she winds up more curvy.**
Probably not, given how over the top her nasty streak is, but is Mike can find love-through-blackmail, there is hope.
**You don’t always get feminine curves with added weight.
I knew a girl like Malaya who’m had gained weight, but 1.) she only got a ponch belly & love handels. 2.) She had boy hips & no butt. 3.) And she wore skinny jeans & belly shirts. 4.) She still thought she was the hottest. It was a train wreak.
“I knew a girl like Malaya who’m had gained weight, and 1.) she only got a ponch belly & love handels. 2.) She had boy hips & no butt. 3.) And she wore skinny jeans & belly shirts. 4.) She was comfortable in her skin and realized that every person of every shape has a unique and valid mode of sexual desire and sexual expression. It was an inspiring example of beautiful humanity.”
Fixed that for you.
Do it Malaya!
Their Defensess are down! LET THE SLAUGHTER BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOW SHE IS EVEN SEXIER
Happy Birthday Malaya. Enjoy your new spare tire.
ph’nglui mglw’nafh Malaya San Francisco wgah’nagl fhtagn!
This comment has so much win, I cannot even begin to tell you how awesome it is.
Ah, the “welcome to full-time employment” weight gain…
*Has 3 kids*
*Weighs what she did in 9th grade*
*Does not understand this comic.*
No really. Is this supposed to be like ‘HAHA, bitches get their comeuppance when they gain weight, cuz no one likes a fatty’ or what?
I’m assuming you work to keep your figure. From what I’ve seen, Malaya doesn’t work out much.
And if you don’t, I envy you. It takes me weeks to lose a single pound and I just look at a pizza and gain ten pounds. What the hell, biology?
“cuz no one likes a fatty’ or what?”
I think it has more with Malaya hate’n on the curvy ladies, as seen on her rotten comments to her then-manager, Amber.
I actually knew someone a bit like Malaya, who had a developed a muffin top, and NEVER NOTICED.
Her parents had spoiled her so much, telling her what a special snowflake she was every day (I really mean this, I saw & heard this when I went to her house) that she honestly thought she was drop dead gorgeous. She kept wearing skinny jeans, pushing her love handels and ponch up and out in very unflattering ways.
She once was annoyed one day because someone called her fat, and she asked me if that was try. I quickly changed the topic, and she kept wearing her skinny jeans.
Malaya was most recently commenting on Lucy being thinner than herself–that’s when the metabolism bar showed up, with the comment about turning 23. (23? Metabolism slows markedly at 23? I really thought it was supposed to be 30. Maybe 33. Never heard of 23.) If she’d been hating on Lucy for being fat, then it would make sense. But as is, it’s more just Malaya is a jerk to everyone, but hahah, she got fat, ain’t it funny.
I’m with you on this, Heather.
It’s not that everyone inevitably gains weight as they get older, but it’s very common for teenagers who have poor habits in regards to exercise and diet but stayed thin purely through metabolism begin to gain weight in their 20s.
Presumably you either have good habits or have the rare uber-genes that guarantee thinness no matter what.
I suddenly find her extremely attractive.
In which Malaya begins to take that first step into what we call humanity.
Is it weird that I find her more attractive this way?
I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that those aren’t her jeans. Somebody in this apartment is pants-less.
Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Ahahahaahaha. HAHAHAAAAHAHAAHAAAHHAAHAAAHAHA!
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