So, is this going to be like Penny Arcade, where everytime Jesus appears in the strip, you lose readers?
Are you kidding? Webcomic readers LOVE Jesus! At least, though do in my strip. Though I guess it helps that I gave him boobs.
Listen to this guy Troutman – he knows what he’s talking about!
Yes, the boobs definitely helped.
Penny Arcade loses readers when Jesus shows up?
…and they’ve been going for how long…?
This was a thing they declared. I can’t find it on TEH GOOGLE, so maybe it’s in the commentary of one of their books.
That’s weird. I always thought that Jesus (as He appears in PA) was Way Cool.
(TV Tropes link mercifully omitted)
I would have thought Penny Arcade lost readers because they suck.
Or like Ghastly’s, where when Jesus appeared he lost his advertising?
Admittedly, he was drawing Jesus having sex, because it’s Ghastly’s. But it was vanilla, heterosexual sex!
Wait, “Ghastly” Graham Ingels has a webcomic now?
I thought he was dead… is it a webcomic… from beyond the GRAVE?
That was a lame joke that approximately one person will get, and nobody will think was funny.
Are you going for Gastly the Ghost-Type Pokemon?
Because Jesus was fully divine, but also fully human. Yet, he didn’t like busting a nut…
@Chuck: a classic failure to distinguish between Yeshua Bin Yusef and Yeshua Ha-Mashiach.
(God made Jesus delete his Facebook.)
Ghastly? As in, Ghastly’s Comic? Tentacoo wape \o/ ? Wow, now that’s an old one.
The Penny-Arcade strips with Jesus are some of the best they have. They’re timeless and oh so very funny. I think you’d have to be close minded (on either end of the spectrum) to decide not to read a web comic simply because Jesus showed up in it.
As a Christian, if something was going to make me stop reading Penny Arcade, it wouldn’t be their portrayal of Jesus.
It would probably be the dickerdoodles, but those don’t show up in the comic itself so whatever.
What have you got against dickerdootles?
That will be the most awesome godfather for Ambers kid.
Now THAT is a damn good pun.
Mega Kudos for you, good sir. Mega kudos.
Bloody hell, yeah.
I always imagined his beard longer.
You’re thinking of ZZ Top.
You owe me a new keyboard for that!
It was common practice for Jewish men to keep their beards trimmed.
It helps that in a significant number of Jewish people I’ve met, myself included, our beards look REALLY BAD when grown out. Think upside-down afro.
It was common practice for ZZ Top to keep their beards f**king long.
Except for Frank Beard.
Funny. I expected all the beard talk to be on DoA
*rimshot* Well done sir!
That’s why he’s historical Jesus and not imaginary Jesus.
Glasso, didn’t you learn your lession with Mike and Reagan? XD
Actually yeah, how did Galasso get martian level technology.
He actually might be able to take over the world if he wasn’t a idiot.
I am working on the theory that he is the cheese
Wow. That would answer a lot. Excellent theory!
But what soul is inside him?
I am thinking the soul inside the cheese went insane and inhabits a dead body like the head alian did, or just likes messing with people
Maybe this is just what the Cheese is like when he’s lacking a soul.
Gray-blooded robot replicants.
I think Galasso is the Head Alien….
that WOULD explain so much
I am just going to presume that that is the case from now on.
I was wondering how he was doing it, but that alien tech could explain it.
Or he has VERY good contacts.
If nothing else, you’ve gotta admit that Mike sells product and Reagan even saved the store from robbers. I don’t think those were bad decisions from his end.
You gotta admit, Glasso knows how make business.
What? Both Mike and and Regan were great at seling that insurance scam?
Not to mention Reagan stop that theif WITH PATROTISM!!
But you see, Jesus is going to make that protection plan racket really pay when he starts healing toys and returns fall to near 0.
I’m not sure if Historical Jesus can heal.
Is that Hipster Jesus?
Actually, that’s what a lot of scholars think Jesus really looked like.
A lot of scholars think Jesus was badly drawn by willis?
Except this is Black Jesus. Real Jesus was a Middle Eastern Jew.
I don’t think he’s really supposed to be “black” here…
Yeah I wouldn’t say hes black, he looks like a Middle estern Jew, perma tan skin, kinky hair. If he was black Jesus he’d be a bit darker.
What the crap. I swear I somehow read “Historical Black Jesus”.
I thought that, too–it actually says “…back Historical Jesus.”
Nah, Hipster Jesus wear hipster glasses.
I thought only Hipster Hitler wore glasses.
Well you have managed to make me detest Hitler even more. Did not think was possible. By the way this is not a bad thing.
Hipster Hitler is actually a thing. Has a webcomic and everything.
Hipster Hitler wecomic
For all those people who are interested.
I expect the hate mail to flow if this continues.
It is in moments like this that I am reminded what fuels Mr. Willis.
I thought mash potatoes was Willis’s fuel.
Mashed Potatoes made from Hate Mail?
Course, it’d probably be better as cole slaw.
Hey, I liked coleslaw.
But the previous remark made you dislike coleslaw?
As a child I hated cold slop. But it actually sounds pretty good right now.
He’s going to use this controversy to piss off people and ride the wave of outrage into profitability.
Just guessing from subtle hints
What are these subtle hints you speak of? Was there, like, an arrow pointing between Jesus and some money or something? Surely, they weren’t in the first three panels of the strip, perhaps contained within speech bubbles of some sort, right?
Indeed, I’m pretty sure the upcoming storyline will be a self-referencing, ironic allegory to itself being an offensive attempt by David Willis to cause controversy and then profit.
First Reagan, now Jesus? Does Galasso have a time machine or a time extractor device?
Really, I think it’s about freaking time Galasso spilled the beans on this one.
I respectfully disagree. This is the sort of thing that should never be revealed, as any revelation would ruin it.
He has a Rosenthal ReAnimator in his back room, right next to the cardboard baler.
Herbert West is his primary investor.
Shitstorm incoming!!!! XD
Who will he bring back in 2019?
Hopefully Hitler. That’ll make people happy.
I could see him reviving Black Hitler.
“Once You Go Black Hitler, You never go Back Hitler”.
Totally not a Christian, totally not anti-Christian either, but I SO hope this’ll be an arc, not a one-off gag. So much potential with a historical Jesus of Nazareth character transplanted to the modern-day Walkyverse… Eee.
I hope someone knows ancient Aramaic.
Well, there’s Mel Gibson…
You trust him to translate accurately?!
Have to agree. You know what would be even better? Jesus sitcom.
Even better? Jesus buddy cop.
Jesus and Malaya, Fighting Crime in their Offtime.
Now that’s what I call a crack pairing.
Yeah, lots and lots of crack.
One of my favorite manga is “Saint Young Men”, which is a gag series about Jesus Christ and Gautama Buddha sharing an apartment in modern-day Tokyo.
Now my brain *really* hurts.
Hm. A few weeks ago, Slacktivist had an article about the idea of a “Jesus in high school” TV show (http://www.patheos.com/blogs/slacktivist/2011/11/17/sending-jesus-to-high-school/). The comment section then produced several scenes to fit into that hypothetical show. Some of them were quite good.
Given that the storyline is titled “the secondish coming” I’m guessing this is not a one-off gag.
Also see: http://itswalky.tumblr.com/post/18362287389/so-in-light-of-the-terrible-republican-primary-field
Historical Jesus couldn’t run for president, he wasn’t born in the US and is technically only 33 years old. Also, he would get torn up in the debates. He’s a pacifist, associated with prostitutes, has a beard(probably a commie), advocates giving away all your possessions(probably a socialist), and most importantly actually advocates for the separation of church and state(give to caesar what is caesars, give to God what is God’s).
Don’t forget he is Middle Eastern, WHAT AN OUTRAGE!
Wow. You used the “render unto Caesar” line to explain why Jesus would get torn up in political debates, and WEREN’T talking about how the line was in support of taxes.
/claps/ well done.
So do we now get to find out how Galasso brings people back?
This got me thinking: Willis has stated that he will never tell how Mike came back from the dead. But has it ever been established that Mike was brought back by Galasso’s hands? If he wasn’t, then there’s still a chance we may learn Galasso’s secret.
I literally facepalmed when I read this…
It was a “Really, Galasso?!?!?” facepalm.
I can’t wait for shenanigans.
Oh Galasso, saying “Historical” Jesus implies there’s more than one. There’s only one Jesus, and he was just a regular dude.
There was a Jesus in my history class.
Is HE the historical Jesus?
If he was the class clown, then he would be the hysterical Jesus.
+All the Internets. ALL OF THEM.
I think there is another Jesus.
I call him the fictional Jesus, it’s the one every Christian worships and adores.
Time to wear my fire retardant undies again.
Ha ha! You’re so clever.
is it a coincidence theyre also pee retardent?
He’s clarifying that he doesn’t mean the fictional Jesus that appears in the Bible.
Or in any kind of modern Christian lit or fiction.
If it’s not the Biblical Jesus, wouldn’t it be wrong to call it Christ?
Or the “White Jesus” that some claim is actually a portrait of Cesare Borgia.
There is alot people in Central and South America named Jesus.
ya know I am beginning to think Galasso doesn’t consider the consequences of his actions. but i ll give him the benefit of the doubt here.
Well, he is an evil overlord.
This comic is making me think of Excel Saga.
“All hail Lord Galasso!” *Koff koff gag wheeze*
All we need now is Galasso to bring back Lazarus so he can drop dead all the time and force Jesus to raise him back from the dead every episode.
“Oh my god! He killed Lazarus!”
… Y”know, I really question Galasso now. I mean, how does he keep doing this? First Reagan, now Jesus? Next he’s going to revive Ramses!
Don’t forget very possibly Mike.
Yes, Mike would have benefitted if Galasso had brought Ramses a few months ago. Or some Trojans.
Mike always brings Trojans.
When he visits your mom.
Pssh, Ramses is an EASY one, the body is on public display in Cairo.
King Ramses! The man in gauze, the man in gauze
By being both shorter and darker, it keeps looking like Jesus is in the background.
Wait… you mean He’s not in the background? Jesus was a little person???
I hear people were shorter back then.
Or he’s the Doppler Jesus? I dunno. Do you thinks he’s a Doppler, gangler?
…I must now facepalm the Facepalm of a Thousand Facepalms.
If Willis makes Hist!Jesus a character, then Santorum won’t be the only one putting words in Jesus’s mouth.
Of course, Willis could probably out-debate Santorum.
What has science done!?
Had to say it
Yes, yes you did!
Yeah.. Great going Galasso… tell the JEWISH guy that you’ve resurrected somebody he doesn’t believe in. *lol*
Jews believe in Jesus. They even believe he was holy. They just don’t believe he’s the son of God and all that jazz.
You are thinking of Unitarians. Judaism doesn’t have an official opinion on whether he existed, but Jews definitely do not believe what he supposedly preached was in any way part of Judaism, or any mythological claims relating to him.
Plenty of Unitarians believe in Jesus; they just don’t think he was the son of God. In fact, historically Unitarians have identified as (Protestant*) Christians and given Jesus a special (though not unique) role in their teachings.
*unless we’re talking Ante-Niscene Unitarians, obviously.
Ah, trudat. Maybe I was thinking of Robot Jesus.
Specifically, Jews don’t believe that Jesus was the messiah. Because if he was, then the revelations would have come, etc, and they obviously haven’t.
They’re conditionally willing to accept him as a prophet, like Abraham, though.
You’re thinking of Muslims. Jews mostly believe Jesus was a good rabbi, but not holy in any way. Of course, that’s after 1500 years or so of what you might call “artificial selection”; the Talmud is quite a bit less favorable to him.
To be fair, the [literal] wounds were still fresh when that was written.
Jews believe Jesus existed. In fact it’s pretty well believed by historians and scholars that Jesus was a real man, even preaching the word of god.
But the whole “son of god” angle is complete fiction.
That’s why the Jesus in this comic isn’t the biblical Jesus, he’s the historical Jesus. Notice how he’s short, has dark skin, and dark short curly hair?
It varies by historians. Quite a few secular ones don’t believe in a specific Jesus do to a complete lack of first party accounts of him outside the bible unless you count Josephus Flavius who lived a few decades off for the experience and that account itself was written in a very different style and not present in every version of the work making it look a bit fake. A single figure as supposedly well known as the biblical Jesus not coming up anywhere in any other records else is very suspicious to many of them, but not all for various reasons. It varies by the historian.
Why is Jesus not wearing his purple coat and hair net!
That one wouldn’t be allowed to work in a toy store, I think.
Hipster Jesus used to, until… well, you know.
gah, wrong thread. Anyway, I love Historical Jesus. So much better than institutional Jesus.
Did he say Historical Jesus? Must have misspoken. He’s there for Amber after the baby comes. He’s Hysterectomy Jesus.
SICK BASTARD bringing “HIM” into this trash you call a webcomic *tsk tsk tsk shakes finger at you YES U Wilis*
That’s “JESU Willis”
HIM? You mean that transvestite devil from the Power Puff Girls?
When did Willis do that?
HIM as in Christ himself duh
Damn you Willis, you are stealth-trolling your readers again!
Historical Jesus doesn’t look very happy. Maybe more than one resurrection is overkill?
He’s friggin terrified. After all, we’ve been crucifying him in effigy for 2,000+ years. He doesn’t want to go through the real thing a second time!
Step 1: Jesus!
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Profit!
And thus televangelism was born!
As one of your ill-tempered fundie asshole readers, can I just say THANK YOU for making him a Jew with short hair and not a blond blue-eyed Aryan floating 6 inches off the ground.
That is all.
Holy shit, if he doesn’t get vaccines he will die, if he doesn’t know how to cross a busy street he’ll get run over, if he drinks cow milk without genetic tolerance he’ll get SERIOUS diahorrea.
Holy shit indeed.
Heh, panel for panel, except here Ethan has graying hair, Amber’s hair is different, Ethan’s holding a phone instead of Rainbow Brite, and Jesus subs for Regan.
That makes it more amusing. Good catch!
I’m kinda surprised Galasso did this, actually. I mean, he brought back Reagan to cash in on the 80s nostalgia craze, but it never really worked. Reagan was a decent worker, but seeing as Galasso could never actually announce “Hey, we’ve got Reagan over here!” I don’t think it was the guaranteed money maker it was supposed to be.
Though considering what most of his employees are like, having Jesus on the payroll could still be a boon. He’s probably a hard worker.
Jesus even worked on the Sabbath!
IIRC, Jesus did good works on the Sabbath like healing the sick, I somehow don’t believe selling toys counts as a good work.
I just figured. Didn’t even have to look.
I can only ask: What could Galasso possibly need with Jesus? XD XD XD
To create controversy? If I recall, a guy once said “Controversy equals cash”. Then again, the same guy later led to the death of WCW.
I wonder if hes going to last as long as Ronald Reagan did!
…Wait, but doesn’t Jacob already fit the African American quota?
They’re gonna hafta fire someone… I vote Faz!
But Jesus isn’t/wasn’t African-American
Maybe there’s also a Savior of Humanity quota.
They had one of those, too. Remember the second E-(BRICKED)
Protip: Not all black/brown people of African decent are African-Americans.
You might be surprised how many people fail to realise this.
If anyone’s getting fired for this it’s Ethan.
Wait, you can monetize offensiveness now? Why didn’t anyone tell me?
All this time, I’ve been doing it for free!
BTW: If Jesus plays harmonica, that would make me the happiest man in the internet.
That’s why capitalism defeated communism, capitalism can make money from just about anything as long there is a market for it.
What’s that red thing on the counter between Amber and Ethan in the second panel?
It appears to be a pen holder.
Or a display of Pez dispensers or some other character-head-on-a-stick sort of thing.
I guess that means Galasso found the body.
How did he find the body?
He went to communion. The wafers and wine become His body and blood, right? Galasso saved them to get a DNA sample.
That’s why Jesus looks so cranky. He’s made out of crackers. Having wine for blood is giving him a decent buzz, though.
…I’m going to Hell.
I love you.
I would love to see this on Mythbusters.
Subject: Does communion wine and crackers turn into human flesh and blood?
And here I thought we hid it well enough, after going to all that trouble to bury him under the wreckage of Titanic inside an eight-inch thick steel safe with Adamantium chains on it.
This is pure gold!
Phrophit-ability….I get it! Willis you mad genius.
He probably doesn’t speak English. I hope they have someone around who speaks ancient hebrew or ancient aramaic or whatever the crap they spoke back then!
Wait. It’s going to be Faz. Faz is going to be the only person who understands Jesus and translates everything for him. Dammit. I’m right, aren’t I?
Would that make Faz a prophet? Or possibly an angel?
Will Faz end up as a head on a silver platter?
Actually, Jews regard Jesus as one of the first Reform Jews (there are multiple sects of Judaism. It’s what happens to a people when they split up and wander for a few millenia). Jesus’ main message to the people was, “stop tithing to the Temple on the Sabbath and then sinning the rest of the week,” and his message to the Temple was “stop being dishonest hypocrites.” He would not have gotten along well at all with a modern televangelist. Though his appearance on the 700 Club would certainly boost ratings. Especially since he’d probably show up with a baseball bat.
As for Jesus himself, he is generally agreed to have been a sensible, friendly, and easy going sort, with a sense of humor and a penchant for parties (he was turning water into wine at a wedding. You don’t do that unless you’re looking to keep the party going all night long). It’s quite likely that he’s going to sit Faz down and tell him how to finally make some friends, chew Ethan out for his shallow materialism, and then slap Gallasso upside the head… and then walk out with a shopping cart full of toys. Which he will share with an orphanage. Before going to a hardware store to squee over modern power tools for carpentry, as opposed to the iron saws and adzes Joseph had to work with.
Yeah, my Reform grandfather actually used to write stories about Jesus. Stuff like him being a child who was known for being able to debate rabbis on scripture.
Yep, that sounds like something the Jews would find awesome.
I’ve long held that the answer to “WWJD” is “kick over your tables full of tacky WWJD merch that you’ve got set up like the moneylenders outside the temple”.
I never thought Jesus would have curly hair. Or would end up working in a toy store.
That’s how most of our mothers felt about us.
Man, Jesus’ mom is gonna be so disappointed. I mean a jewish mother who was telling her son “you’re gonna be something great! You’re the son of god after all!” only to have him working retail? The motherly Jewish guilt is gonna suck.
You’re kidding, right? No matter what he did, she’d have been disappointed in him for not being a doctor or a lawyer.
Not to mention not marrying that nice Magdalene girl and giving her some GRANDKIDS, already.
Damn. I’ve been reading shortpacked! for five years and you’ve finally hit a sore point with me, Willis! My christian beliefs are already nicely tangled up with my historical-accuracy ones…
This is either going to be fucking amazing or really upsetting.
Approaching with an open mind.
Now you’re just falling into his trap, have fun with that.
Uh I’m pretty sure he’s writing a fictional comedy and just using Retail Jesus as a platform to make dumb jokes, and not trying to actually tell us historical facts about Jesus. I mean, the only difference between this and Reagan is that this is even more ridiculous. I look forward to it and expect it to be pretty funny!
And I say this as an evangelical Christian from a family of Baptist pastors.
I can already tell this is gonna be a great arc.
So, if that’s who he says it is, why is the guy white?
Check the colors on your monitor. He’s very clearly middle eastern
he’s wearing arctic gear.
Arctic Adventure Jesus isn’t my favorite in the line, but he’s WAY better than Negative Threat Jesus.
Golden Age Jesus is pretty nice, as is Techno Jesus with the built-in wine-to-water mechanized gimmick. My favorite, though, is Crystal Dragon Jesus with the fold-out crystal wings- now with real flying abilities!
I keep picturing Generation 2 Snake Eyes!
If he shakes hands with Mike, there might be some sort of explosion.
Hmmm, he’s actually wearing a very Mike-like expression.
Ethan haven’t you learned by now to watch what you say at work?
Spew the Dew!
Still holding out hope for Reagan’s eventual return…
I think this just brings back the theory that Glassio had something to do with Mike’s return.
So, since Shortpacked! is totally gay, does this mean… Historical Jesus Christ (HJC)…
HJC x Conquest
‘Fisher of Men’ roams the countryside with 12 other dudes and a prostitute.
The next time someone tells me to be more Christlike I’m going to come by their house with 12 unemployed “friends” and my hooker “just friend.”
Jesus x Malaya (date for a while), Jesus x Ninja Rick (one-nighter), Jesus x Ethan (sloppy seconds, evolves into True Love). In that order.
What, me shippy?
I always knew the Second coming would take place at Shortpacked. Thanks to my Awesome Inside Sources.
Take that, all you people who thought Jesus would be a BotCon exclusive!
Oh come on, they NEVER make botcon-exclusive Optimus Prime toys.
There was a botcon-exclusive anti-christ and Bizarro-Jesus!
With the advent of an Animated Shattered Glass ‘verse, I’m holding out for a drunken, melancholy Intoxitron.
What about Shattered Glass Optimus
Shattered Glass Optimus isn’t Cybertronian Jesus like the positive univeses are though.
I’ll just say that if he’s supposed to be black, he probably shouldn’t be; there’s no real reason to think he was black other than a hypercorrection to those who’ve given him more Greek or Nordic features. He wouldn’t look that unlike the Mizrahim of today, the most familiar of whom I can think of would be David Levy.
I remember a comedian saying that really, if we look at height and colouring and all that, Jesus would probably have looked like Danny Devito.
That guy’s an imposter.
There never were a Jesus.
This is an exact panel for panel copy of his February 2nd, 2005 strip where he brought back Reagan. The words are just changed up a bit and it’s Jesus instead. Not bashing at all I wholeheartedly approve doing it the exact same way. Willis I hope you never decide to stop making comics. You’re too damn good.
Jegus! Jegus is here!?
Hmm. Well, historically Jesus changed the life of a prostitute by a well… Perhaps this is hope for Malaya. xD And Jesus and Mike interactions, THIS WILL BE PRICELESS.
That is SO not historical.
How come Ken isn’t in the banner? Is he not a main character too?
As for today’s strip, please please have historical Jesus be a recurring character.
Yeah! Bring back the good old Galasso antics!
“I have come here to chew bubblegum and die for your sins… and I’m all out of bubblegum.”
I, for one, am for the theory that Galaso was an abductee, and that his power is to bring people back from the dead.
Also that HE, not martian technology, is what brought Mike back.
I am also for the idea that we need to have a Galaso Origin story arc
Mike fucked his mother.
and he is Mike’s son. He came back in time at the same time like Joyce/Walky’s kid, and decided to take over the world via retail.
Also, wouldn’t the HISTORICAL Jesus Crist prefer to be called by his original name (Yeshua), or atleast by the modern English equivilant(Joshua)?
I don’t know. But hey, he’s right there at the store. You can ask him.
And why are my Gravatars different?
I first read it as “hysterical” Jesus Christ.
Ugh, everybody knows Jesus isn’t real. Just like Santa or the Easter Bunny… “You stole those apples! You’re going to hell!” “No I’m not Jesus died for me so I could go to heaven, so I don’t feel bad about my actions.” *_*
Sweet zombie Jesus!
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