GALASSO KNOWS WHAT’S UP
“Galasso does not believe there had been a strangling until the victory banners have been lifted.”
Yeah, but Glasso looks horribly like Faz!
“Galasso registers a posterior breach.”
I never thought I’d say this but I feel like Malaya should go shopping for some less ugly loose clothes. that is NOT a flattering color.
What about a “removing obstacles from you’re throat” section? ‘Cause that’s next.
“removing obstacles from your throat”
“You could be great, you know, and strangling will help you on the way to greatness, no doubt about that. No? Oh, well… Hufflepuff!”
No way Malaya is in Hufflepuff. Hufflepuffs are too good natured. Snobs go to Slytherin.
Although Harry’s dad and godfather were kinda jerks too. Malaya’s pretty bold, so I could see her as a Gryffindor.
That is possible. They had Romilda Vane and Cormac McLaggen after all, and they were quite snobbish.
Except most Gryffindors appear to have some sort of innate goodness.
Malaya has yet to shown that, and she is well past the age it should have expressed itself.
Don’t you have to be ambitious to be in Slytherin? Like, care about something?
Something is usually yourself.
Well, she’s not brave, smart or ambitious. Blame Hufflepuff for saying she’ll take the rest.
Slytherins aren’t innately bad. They are just ambitious and clever. Malaya isn’t hardworking enough to be a Hufflepuff though. I think she’d be a snobby slytherin. Or a muggle.
Oops! Meant to say she’d be a snobby gryffindor or a muggle.
Now I’m picturing a council that prevents people from having magic if they lack a sufficiently heroic, intelligent, pleasant, or evil personality.
They have that, Ministry of Magic: Department of Mysteries- Magic is Only For The Brave, Smart, Hardworking, or Assholes Division.
Which means Mike is a wizard. He’ll give your mom his wand. Repeatedly. for a Sickle.
…That was beautiful, Karoc.
I wish they had gone with “Slytherins aren’t innately bad, they’re just ambitious and clever”, but it was kinda ruined when not one single Slytherin defended Hogwarts and not one single Slytherin ever said “Whoa, I’m all for getting ahead in life, but the homicidal, racist megalomaniac thing is going just a bit too far.”
There was Slughorn. And Snape.
Slytheryn was kind of tainted since it was also the House that cared about blood purity so it’s the House Voldemort did all his recruiting from. This menat that by Harry’s generation the House was full of the children of Death Eaters. Things apparently got better in the generations after that.
Also JKR said that a lot of Slytherns came back along with the reinforcements from Hogsmede. And it does make sense for them to have not stayed with the initial attack since, as I said, their parents were largely Death Eaters so they’d either have to fight their family to the death or be the top targets.
Also note the existence of Crabbe and Goyle. “Ambitious and clever” are not the first words that leap to mind with those two.
Slytherin was the garbage house – the place for people with noticeable personality flaws. Particularly focusing on the jerks and evildoers.
I disagree. JK Rowling has said that Blaise Zabini wasn’t related to death eaters and didn’t have prejudices like the Malfoys did. He doesn’t bother anyone that we see during the entire series. The problem is we only see things from Harry’s perspective so we only focus on the bad parts of slytherin. Particularly the slytherins that harass him and his friends. There is a lot to like about slytherins if you are seeing them from a different perspective. They aren’t all Malfoys.
But maybe not Crabbe and Goyle. Though Neville was a Gryffindor oddly, and Luna was a Ravenclaw oddly. There was that one awful annoying Hufflepuff that wasn’t like the rest. I think every house has a few odd people out. Crabbe and Goyle are just Slytherin’s.
Hogwarts is for nerds. Malaya’s straight Durmstrang.
Magic is for nerds. Malaya’s in the Dark Forest getting bludgeoned to death by trolls.
She’d fit in quite well with the Dursleys.
Literally, considering her current physique.
I thought her current physique would make it harder for her to literally fit in with them. They’re pretty cramped as it is.
We can always hope…
More likely she got tortured to death by Death Eaters after telling them magic is for nerds.
I second the motion.
I’d rather she got dragged off-camera by a herd of centaurs, personally.
Guess that’s Malaya’s favourite section of the handbook.
You kidding? Something like that is obviously meant for delusional roleplaying war games nerds.
Malaya needs to take some lessons from Carol(Between Failures) on how to act hot even with the extra flesh.
The problem is that Malaya was only ever visually attractive and has never “acted hot” before. Without her visual attractiveness, she literally has no redeeming qualities. Well, maybe her ability to strangle people, but that will only appeal to a very specific demographic.
Her visual attractiveness has always been debatable, as well.
Some would argue her boldness and candor are her most attractive qualities.
Leslie, for one.
Yeah I’d say we’re skirting dangerous territory saying someone’s “only good quality” or “only attractive quality” is their looks. The reason I liked her as a character when she was introduced was her hilariously bad attitude, and that doesn’t depend on her looks. And I don’t think she ever had the attitude that it was okay to be a callous jerk because she was cute, as much as that she was just like that anyway.
Oh well if it’s already in there…
Manny is a lucky man. To be dating someone flexible enough to put his foot THAT far down his own mouth.
I was thinking something similar. Why is Ethan feeling the need to bring this up? It’s kind of a dick move to prattle about how you’re totally going to get fat from here on out.
Wow, a few minutes ago I was laughingly saying to myself that maybe Malaya will be strangling someone different every day this week. And then this happened and it actually becomes a distinct possibility.
I hear that black is very slimming…
So are parasites.
so are crippling diseases.
or being vertically crushed in any sort of accident.
I hope you mean in an accident with a trash compactor.
So does starving yourself for a few days.
Not true. I see starving children in Africa on commercials and they always have potbellies.
That’s because of protein malnutrition. Without enough protein in your diet, your blood can’t retain fluids, and the resulting edema collects in the abdomen.
I was told it was due to the lack of abdominal muscles (the body having consumed the muscle already) which would normally hold the liver upright; without those muscles it flops forward and produces the pot belly.
What do people from Paris have to do with slimming?
It’s all the cigarettes they smoke. Also, wine is the national food. And haven’t you heard? Snootiness is very slimming.
Not to mention all the love they make. Sex is the worlds best exercise.
If being a snob burns calories, then Malaya has nothing to worry about.
If only she were more flexible – being a snob requires to hold your nose up to everyone while looking down at them.
Unfortunatelly nearly everyone but the faz is taller … so she glares up and growls a lot … sort of like a pug with distemper.
Great image!!! Quite fitting!
This message has been brought to you by the Tapeworm Diet Council of America.
So she should date Jacob again?
My bad that was Roz.
Black like a body bag. I like this idea.
Also slimming? Evisceration.
She’d be VERY slim as a pile of ashes.
Oh, man, she’s slouching, too. She has the “totally not fat I swear” thing down pat.
If this comic became all Galasso, all the time, I don’t think I would complain.
She’s not in dress code guys.
Look no name tag.
Maybe she’s not there for work. She’s just looking for more nerds to strangle.
In that case, she should head towards the nearest comic/manga shop, that place is otaku/nerd/geek central.
She has her list to start her strangle run.
Her plan was explicitly to strangle everyone she knew, not random nerds. So the store is a natural destination.
Galasso is trying out the Faz look, to see how it helps him conquer today.
Faz has only conquered Wen. But one can argue he’s conquered her many times so quantity over compotence.
Competence + Potency = Compotence.
You should see what he has written about charts.
Her birthday’s today? She said she didn’t want to watch the Marvel movies last night, because it was her birthday.
Sometimes if you stay up long enough watching movies, it becomes the next day.
As a night shifter, I can say with authority that it doesn’t actually become the next day until sleep has been had.
Right on, brother. That’s true for all six days of my week.
I must be careful to use this power for good and not for evil.
I have long been of the opinion that the day rolls over at 6:00 the following morning. I’ve worked night shifts and nothing has changed that opinion.
And sometimes it becomes the next week.
So like is this storyline going to end up with Malaya and Lucy getting together or what.
Leslie would kill Malaya. Hell hath no fury like a twice dumped lesbian scorned.
But Leslie’s not involved with either of them.
Leslie dated Malaya for the better half of a year and broke it off with her because Malaya turned out to be straight. Ergo, if Malaya hooked up with a chick…watch out…
Better part of a year? Wasn’t like a month at most, in their time?
No. Shortpacked! flows in Real Time. Dumbing of Age does not. So yeah. Better part of a year.
What does Dumbing of Age have to do with anything?
Shortpacked doesn’t flow in real time, one strip doesn’t equal a day, it can take months to fill up a day depending on the story. They just fill the gaps once the story is done.
Leslie and Malaya’s relationship fell apart on their first date. In the helecopter. They flirted for a while, were sotra together for a bit and crashed and burned on their first actual attempt to do anything.
Yeah but just because that was their first date doesn’t mean they weren’t dating for the better part of a year. They were very much a couple before that date.
They went to the movies before that. They hung out in other non-date capacities and spent a good amount of time flirting before the helicopter fiasco.
I would definitely sympathize with Leslie (I have actually been in that very same situation… more than once), but there’s also fluidity involved in orientation and sexuality that can be completely based on who the other person is. And I mean, it’s the kind of story that would be hard to do well without being incredibly problematic, but it could be done.
And then Galasso activates the Dummy Plug and Ethan tears Malaya apart.
(I swear, I could probably come up with a different strangulation themed Evangelion reference every day this week. Hopefully I don’t have to, and I can start making other jokes.
Or just call up Robin. She can kill a person in under a second.
I can totally see Malaya as an Asuka expy personality-wise.
Nah, Asuka has some genuine sweetness deep down, it’s just buried under layers and layers of traumatic issues. Malaya doesn’t come close to that sweetness.
To be fair, it took Asuka an episode or two to start garnering a better impression. And it took a few episodes after that to show just how deep and horrible her issues were.
Still, I doubt Malaya has anything as big as “My mother went insane, couldn’t tell the difference between me and a doll, then killed herself and wanted to kill ‘me’ with her” to explain her hang ups.
I’m literally picturing Ethan ripping Malaya in half down the middle and holding her above his head, covered in blood while Leslie watches in horror.
Rex Hondo wins.
Commentality? Puntality? I dunno, I got nothing
Look on the bright side Malaya. Being fat is kinda natural to some people.
Could be worse. Could be like me and your hair starts coming out in handfulls before you’re even 30. ‘Course, that is usually more a male problem….but I’m not heading towards the “Jason Stratham” type of cool-baldness.
If Malaya starts losing her hair too, it’s proof that karma is a real thing in the Walkyverse.
I suppose the inverse would be if she starts growing a moustache.
I just had the best idea for ending this story.
Each day, Malaya’s appearance gets worse. She gains weight, loses her hair, sprouts a mustache, develops pimples, etc. Finally she just starts ranting and raving, and we zoom out to reveal Robin at a computer with Willis ties up in the corner. She turns to the audience and says “Ain’t I a stinker?”
No. She gains weight, starts losing hair, sprouts a mustache, starts wearing overalls to keep her pants up after the increase in weight, starts coming down with a stupid accent as she goes mad… and then the twist ending: she is become Mario.
Destroyer of koopas?
I’m imagining that in between these pages, Lucy bludgeoned Malaya with her own lamp to get free.
Or did a sort of reverse drop kick right into her head, since it was in the perfect position for it.
Also, is it just me, or is Galasso’s hair greyer than it used to be?
It’s funny… I’m 23 now and slimmer than I’ve been in years… it was last year that I was overweight.
Give it time, give it time.
Everybody is different; 23 is an average, not a deadline. You and me, we’re a bit behind the curve.
We would be delusional to think we’re off the curve entirely
Heck, I always heard that your body at 25 is the body you’ll have for life. I slimmed down as much as possible at 24.
As far as I know, it gets progressively worse. I’m a guy and my body slowed down directly after puberty, then it slowly got fatter, that got counteracted by daily commuting, then that stopped and it got worse again… Now I’m 30 and I’m slowly losing weight again, probably because I don’t have much money to spend and I get stingy with my food expenditures.
I’m pretty sure I could survive on a bit less food than I eat though.
Around 40 I’ve heard is the biggest change for some women, though for men I suppose it’s just another change like the one they had before.
Yeah. In reality, pregnancy and menopause are what tears up a woman’s body the most. I’ve done a pretty good job maintaining what I have, but when I start having kids in a few years, man, I will not look good.
Has anyone put money in the Malaya is pregnant pool yet?
That would imply one of the men in the apartment would have had sex with her. Or that ANY guy would have sex with her. I can’t picture ANYONE getting liquored up enough to have sex with something that crabby.
Well, she’s at least had sex with Jason from Multiplex, and it was actually their mutual assholishness that brought them together for the whole however many minutes it took them to do the deed then realize that they knew each other from childhood.
Did they even get to the sexpart, or did they stop when Malaya realized “Ewwww, intelligence!”
I seem to recall word of god (or gods in this case) being that they definitely did the deed between comics.
I think it was less “eww intelligence!” and more “eww person my mom introduced me to (how awkward)!”
That would involve Malaya getting past 3rd base with someone and we all know that that’s easier said than done.
She’s had sex onscreen. It’s a possibility.
Personally I doubt it, but IF it’s true, I gotta hand Willis kudos for not having the first and only symptom of pregnancy be “morning sickness.”
The father is Bison, no doubt.
And Conquest is the mother. She’s just using Malaya as an incubator.
But for that to happen she would have had to have been with a guy and …. oh god … not that guy from the theater …… nooooooo…… I despise/like/hate him too much to have him be besmirched by creating malaspawn …. >_<
Granted I’m no expert, but to go from slim to pudge literally overnight – wouldn’t that be an awfully fast gestation?
She was subconsciously sucking it in before now.
And yes it totally works like that.
KRAV MAGA THAT BITCH, ETHAN!
Seriously, it works wonders on chokes. And I’m pretty sure it’d be real easy to convince Galasso to put it in the employee manual!
“How to remove obstacles in your path to Glory”-of course, every business has that included in their employee handbook. Galasso’s implying that strangling is already covered?
The natural extension of this is Malaya getting sent to jail for multiple counts of attempted Homicide. And she goes to jail, because no one will testify in her defense. And we neeeever see her again. And Ken gets her spot on the banner.
Because Ken is a fascinating guy?
I like Ken…
He’s a more boring version of Ethan, which is saying something.
THIRST FOR NECKS.
every manual i ever write has one of those sections
They all end with “And remember, if in doubt, KILL IT WITH FIRE.”
Glaslo has a very Faz look to him today…
…Is her really Faz mother?!
Best comment ever.
So I’m guessing that Malaya’s Strangling is a thing now.
They say the longer you’re in a relationship with someone, the more you look like them.
Anyone for shipping GalaFaz?
I prefer Gafazzo.
I lol’d @ Gafazzo. Well done.
Baggy t-shirt, eh? Apparently she’s as subtle with her style as with her wit.
In Malaya’s defense, that’s a really fucking rude thing to say to someone
Only because he didn’t realise that his comment actually happened to her literally until it was too late.
No, no, it’s pretty rude no matter what. “Happy birthday! You’re going to get fat!” Most people would just brush that sort of comment off, but the way he went about it, continuing to talk about how her clothing isn’t going to fit, blah blah blah…it was pretty rude.
What I want to know is how Malaya is going to choke out Supercar.
You know he’s going to bring it up
All you have to do to choke a vehicle like Ultracar is obstruct the tailpile (aka exhalation) and/or front grill air intake (inhalation).
Potato in the tailpipe.
Watch out Malaya, Galasso may want you to sire him an heir.
That’s impossible, she’s a girl.
So, yep. The point of this arc is to take the character already designed to be over-the-top bitter at the world and give her a reason to be even more bitter. And so status quo on the one-note character is maintained.
You never know, it could lead to some character development on her part.
Well, the adversity–>growth narrative can be a bit cliche as well, what would you recommend?
This must be hate on Willis week. Where are all the “DAMN YOU WILLIS!” comments?
You don’t think… do you…?
Is the season premier of Dan Vs. going to be “Dan Vs. Willis”?
For some reason, I keep hearing Galasso’s voice in that last panel as Brad Jones doing the Cinema Snob.
Note to self: Do more sit-ups leading up to birthday next year.
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